An Ever-evolving Process
Many years ago, had you told me the healing process was fun, I probably would have laughed in your face. Fun would not have been my first choice of explanation. Lately, I’ve been having quite a strange experience…I’ve been having fun. Go figure! When healing began, I was in such a dark place inside of myself. My days were full of fear, self-loathing and negativity. I struggled to get through the day with any type of enjoyment. I would dedicate myself to work which was one of the only things that gave me worth. Perhaps your “one thing” is something else like your children, your partner or a project. It’s easy to see how we become co-dependent on others when we’ve got no love or worth inside for ourselves. I’m a living example that quality of life can evolve. I’m noticing more and more my ability to be creative and express myself. Perfectionism has dropped to the wayside as I have shifted focus on enjoying the ride. I enjoy learning new skills. I enjoy challenging and stretching myself beyond perceived limits. I enjoy gaining knowledge on topics I never knew about before. What’s changed? I’m allowing myself to enjoy versus using everything to shame myself. I’m self-serving not defeating these days and it’s so, you guessed it, enjoyable. Just for today, allow yourself to receive joy, blessings and positivity. Life really can be fun when we move from victim thinking to an ownership perspective. Acknowledge where you are today, not at a judgement but as an honoring of the truth. Do you keep yourself in victim consciousness or are you actively moving into owning your life? It’s something to explore. For now, I would love your feedback about how your process is evolving since you began.
I’ve always felt averse to fun and guilty for even thinking of having it. I connected it to unworthiness, maybe due to bullying at a young age in the school playground where I was supposed to be having fun. This kept me small and disconnected from other kids my age who were all about having fun. I learned to associate fun with the constant bullying amidst other kids having fun that was meant to make me feel unworthy and consequently, friendships became impossible for me because of the fun factor. I’m a little off topic but just going with where my thoughts are taking me. Not sure I had that realization before. Anyway, I can relate to having discovered a sense of fun in my healing process. Back before I discovered VH when I was occasionally reading spiritual themed books and going through the motions of healing thinking I was doing everything I possibly could, there was very little enjoyment. The reading itself was enjoyable but over and forgotten once the book was finished. I was still very much mired in and identified with my depression and victim consciousness. The words I read resonated but only intellectually and never really stuck and the concept of owning my experience and my story was still one I wasn’t fully grasping. I derive the enjoyment I’m finding now from the purpose I find in the process itself. Growth beyond victim consciousness where you realize you’re creating your experience or where you’re experiencing insights into your condition becomes immensely rewarding and enjoyable and keeps me all in and applying myself to the work I’m given and to meditation and journaling. As I see the results of my efforts I can’t help but have fun and be excited about the next step in my process.
You provide a great example of a misinterpretation. As a child, you misinterpreted that children bullying was associated with fun. As an adult, you are able to see that wasn’t the case. I’m glad you brought that forward so that others can challenge some of their misinterpretations. I agree, it’s incredibly rewarding to know that we can change our consciousness and therefore our life circumstance. What a shift Wes?! Once life was not enjoyable and now you can experience enjoyment by learning more about inner domain.
Outside of activities that are related to my process, I still find it very hard to enjoy anything. In fact, most other activities seem like a waste of time and I have trouble being present and relaxing in the moment. I’m filled with anxiety and an almost obsessive need to be doing work on myself, both to move towards growth and away from the anxiety. It’s something I need to address through our work together.
The practice is not to enjoy only what you like but to find enjoyment in it all!
Great blog! I am seeing myself evolve as well. The negative energy that used to fill my soul is being transformed into positive thinking and I feel I am ready to start achieving some goals of my own.
Wonderful Clark! “It’s a process” is such a cliche but it’s the truth. I’m so glad you’ve reached a point in your journey where goals seem attainable. It’s amazing how we have to sift through the emotional and mental realms before we can really manifest meaning and purpose in our lives. Can’t wait to hear what you create!
I sometimes fall back into the role of victim….not my intention but I am certain it does happen…I live life big and bold in recovery…I live to be of service…live with intention…and a sense of purpose for the most part…I try to see the good in each and every moment…and to embrace all that I now have to be grateful for…I was in and out of psychosis for the seven years prior to my decision to embrace recovery….those were dark and hopeless times…insanity reigned…and ruled my very being…nothing ever felt okay…nothing was good…and fun was not something I could even begin to phantom…now I am filled with peace…joy and happiness…though life is far from perfect…it is indeed a work in progress…and I am dancing in public places…singing off key and bad…and beating my drum to a different beat…and it is all good…I was paranoid and so fearful of people in the past…now I can’t get enough of them…and am so happy to have stumbled into rehab…and this opportunity to live life on life’s terms….
Karen, amazing testimony of your experience. I find it so important that those of us with co-occurring issues speak about our challenges and how we worked through them. Enjoy how you explain that life is far from perfect yet still enjoyable. That message is valuable. Life is life…we are going to get bumped and bruised but life can also have beauty, awe and inspiration.
Useful information. Lucky me I found your web site unintentionally, and I am stunned why this twist of fate didn’t came about in advance! I bookmarked it.
Fantastic! Posted a recent quote on my Recovery Life Management Facebook page, “What you seek is seeking you.” – Rumi
What information has been useful to you?
Hey! Would you mind if I share your blog with my myspace group?
There’s a lot of people that I think would really enjoy your
content. Please let me know. Cheers
Share it with whomever you like! I’m a resource to people who have gone through substance abuse, mental health and trauma.